What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion was made well-known by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, who found three key factors constitute the practice of self-compassion:
The Three Pillars of Self-Compassion
Self-kindness vs self-judgement — Being kind and understanding with yourself instead of being critical of your own shortcomings, failures, and struggles.
Common humanity versus isolation – Seeing that suffering, imperfection and hardship is part of being human, not necessarily something unique occurring to you.
Mindfulness versus over-identification — Being mindful of your painful thoughts and feelings, but not suppressing or being completely engulfed by them.
All three serve as the basis for responding to distress in an honest, realistic and compassionate way, instead of avoidance or self-punishment.
It should be emphasized that self-compassion can’t be confused with self-pity or self-indulgence.
Self-pity occurs when we feel sorry for ourselves, and self-compassion, when we acknowledge feelings of suffering, but also realize that many others suffer as well.
Also, it’s not an excuse to just excuse bad behavior or not taking responsibility. Rather, it’s the emotional security required to view challenges straight on and learn from them.
Why Self-Compassion Matters During Hard Times
In times of hardship, it has been the inclination to reflect on oneself, to think badly about oneself, believing that the stronger way we deal with ourselves during this bitter time, the stronger we will be to fight, to feel bad, to do better or to cope faster. But in practice may be quite the opposite, say studies.
The importance of practicing self-compassion during challenging times:
It alleviates emotional distress. The negative voice in the mind experiences self-criticism and amplifies discomfort and pain, however self-compassion softens the blow of pain or discomfort.
It supports resilience. Regular emotional reactive people with SC surpass people who are extremely reactive to setbacks.
It is beneficial for mental health. Self-compassion is associated with reducing anxiety and depression, and increased life satisfaction.
It promotes more positive coping skills. Self-compassion encourages us to approach difficulties head on with openness and kindness, rather than through avoidance or denial, or by engaging in self-destructive habits.
It strengthens motivation. After experiencing a failure, it is a fact that kindness towards yourself can even boost your motivation to do better.
In a nutshell: Self-compassion does not make us soft or less responsible. Instead it’s a way of becoming emotionally balanced to endure hardship in healthier and more sustainable ways.
How to Practice Self-Compassion During Hard Times
Once we have a better grasp of what self-compassion is and why it is important, we will learn practical steps to make cultivating self-compassion a habit in our everyday life, particularly in the face of hardship.
1. Notice Your Inner Critic
The first step to self-compassion is to just be aware of what you say to yourself when things go wrong. Most of the people have this voice in their minds which is way harsher than they would be with someone else.
Become more aware of your thoughts, particularly after an error, failure or let-down. Ask yourself:
Would I say this to a friend?
Is this thought fair, accurate, or helpful?
So what’s that tone I am using with myself right now?
Just simply identifying the important things being thought about – without attempting to correct them first – is a powerful step. Awareness allows the space for competent eventual response.
2. Speak to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
When you notice that you have self-critical thoughts, consciously change your inner dialogue. What would you tell a close friend to say if they were in the same scenario as you? Likely, you would provide comfort, encouragement and perspective instead of judgment.
Add in a positive thought while processing a feeling, for instance, if you are feeling upset or bad about the job loss, you can mix in a positive thought, feeling: ‘This is really difficult, but it’s ok to feel upset, job loss is common and doesn’t make me bad.’
It is a simple change of words and it can make a huge difference in how you feel just about any emotion you are feeling.
3. Practice Mindful Awareness of Your Emotions
Mindfulness, a third aspect of self-compassion, is seeing your pain without closing your eyes, pretending it doesn’t exist or overwhelming yourself with it. When trying to survive tough circumstances, you may feel like turning a blind eye on negative feelings or become engulfed by them.
Instead, attempt to see your emotions and look at them with curiosity, not judgment. You may want to remind yourself (silently) that you are feeling anxious at this moment, or it is grief.
Some quick and easy mindfulness exercises include:
Reflecting on how body feels with a few slow deep breaths
Taking some quiet time to observe, not react to thoughts that come up
Body scan meditation to find out where you are carrying tension or emotions
In this way you establish a buffer, albeit small, but helpful, so you can respond to your pain rather than react.
4. Remind Yourself of Common Humanity
At times of stress, it can be easy to feel alone – like no one else is having this problem or that your problem is worse. By themselves, they may amplify their own pain and become more deserving of the criticism.
Be mindful of the universal nature of suffering, failure and hardship. Loss, disappointment and struggle occurs at different times in everyone’s life. While it may feel like no one understands, that is not the case.
Consider repeating this thought to your mind:
“Many others have felt like that.”
“Being under pressure does not make me any weaker or different, it makes me human.”
“This is a moment of difficulty not a way of life.”
By changing the frame of mind, it is possible to decrease self-pity and solitude and promote a feeling of common personhood.
5. Use Self-Compassionate Affirmations
Especially in challenging times when your inner critic is loud, affirmations can be a great way of anchoring yourself and can be useful. They can sound strange at first but saying the same feel a little bit every day can be really useful to help change that wee natter.
Here are some examples of affirmations that you can use to practice loving-kindness with yourself:
“I do the best I can, with what I have at the moment.”
“It’s okay if you don’t have it all sorted out.”
“I deserve to be treated kind and gentle, particularly when things are tough.”
“This pain is not forever and I will come through it.”
“It’s OK to slow down and attune myself to my needs.”
Pick a few to focus on that are meaningful to you and practice saying them when you are being stressed or self-doubting.
6. Write Yourself a Compassionate Letter
Many psychologists suggest making a potent exercise of writing a letter to yourself through the eyes of a caring friend or a mentor. Personally, this letter should acknowledge your difficulties and not minimize them at all; it should provide encouragement and understanding.
You can discuss any of the following:
What you are feeling today/driving through tonight/yearning for tonight/now/what you feel right now
How you feel about the situation
Words of encouragement to remind you that you are valuable beyond this fight
Words of encouragement and support
Although it may be a bit awkward at first, many people discover that this exercise is much more emotional and healing than they might anticipate because it provides them with the level of caring they may not give themselves.
7. Practice Physical Self-Soothing
Self-compassion is not just a psychological exercise; it can also be a physical movement, designed to relax and make one feel comfortable and safe. Things that induce your body to go into relaxation – simply placing a hand on your heart, a hug or wrap in a warm blanket to get the “calm on” effect.
These are small “bodily” actions, which can be used to help center the person during intense periods of emotional reaction, when words are not enough.
8. Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself
It’s easy to fall into the trap of unrealistic expectations during difficult times and expect yourself to be doing more or less or feel stronger than you do. Such stress will keep increasing your pain.
Rather than this, make an effort to have realistic, compassionate expectations. Remind yourself that:
The healing process and the correction process will be a gradual one.
It’s okay to have setbacks along the way.
You don’t need to get everything perfect the first time you do your best.
Rest and recovery are productive NOT lazy!
The release of unrealistic expectations enables us to pass through burdensome situations with patience and with less conflict within us.
9. Allow Yourself to Grieve or Feel Difficult Emotions
Rush through painful emotions: Many people attempt to hurry up feeling sad, angry or afraid, believing that they are weak. In fact, it is necessary to experience these emotions completely, not holding back, in order to heal.
Becoming self-compassionate is about learning to allow yourself to experience the human experience without judgment. This might involve:
Reserving time to reflect and deal with your feelings.
Discussing the situation with a life partner or a therapist.
Exposing yourself in the journal to record your emotions with no filter.
Don’t be embarrassed about crying or showing emotion.
Repression can make suffering last longer, whereas we can create a healthier healing process if we are able to acknowledge with compassion.
10. Limit Comparison to Others
While trying to come to terms with hard times, it is easy to start the downward spiral of self-comparison that can help to make you feel even worse. No two people are in the same situation, have the same coping skills, or have the same time line and trying to compare yourself with other people doesn’t truly and fairly represent your situation.
Focus on you and your journey more than what someone else is doing. A major move to de-increase comparisons – including social comparison – can go a long way in reducing unnecessary self-criticism.
11. Seek Support From Others
Self-compassion is an inside exercise, yet that doesn’t imply you have to deal with difficult times without anyone else. Asking friends, family or professionals for support can help to reinforce the compassionate attitude you are working towards developing.
Conversation is a great reminder of kindness, and people might be able to bring up your own kindness, in your mind, if you don’t seem to be able to find it. Counselling services can offer help and direction if you are going through a particularly challenging time in your life, whether it be grieving, trauma, or a big life change.
12. Practice Self-Compassion as a Daily Habit, Not Just a Crisis Response
Self-compassion can be particularly vital when things go wrong, but doing it “only when things go wrong” will not be nearly as influential. Practicing little, everyday acts of kindness with yourself can make you more available to compassion when it’s needed.
Try to add little bits that you can do each day like:
It’s a good way to begin your day with positive thoughts about yourself and others.
Making frequent small breaks to see how you’re doing.
Finding a way for your body and mind to engage in practicing gratitude activities.
Talking to oneself in a kind tone, even when making occasional errors or encountering minor difficulties.
The more you practice these minor ways of treating yourself with kindness, the more comfortable you will become and the more readily you can use kindness as a tool in difficult times.
Common Myths About Self-Compassion
For many, learning about and practicing self-compassion can sometimes be frightening because of mistaken ideas about it. Let’s squander some of these myths:
Myth: Self-compassion is selfish. In fact, it is by being kinder to yourself that you will be able to be kinder with others, and not that you will be being less with others because you are being less with yourself.
Myth: Self-compassion allows us to get away with things. Self-compassion can actually help with accountability – it’s not about playing games and pretending things have already gone right or “no big deal,” it’s about acknowledging that something went wrong and being with yourself in it.
Myth: Self-compassion will make you complacent. That’s not the case, as self-compassionate people are more likely to be motivated to getting better and learning, because they don’t stop themselves from tackling improvement out of fear that they will be judged.
Myth: Self-compassion is only for people who have mental health problems. Self-compassion is a very valuable exercise for any person, irrespective of their mental health, for all-round emotional resilience.
Knowing about these myths removes blocks to practicing self-compassion, so that you can mindfully engage with the practice.
Simple Self-Compassion Exercises to Try Today
When you are ready to begin incorporating self-compassion into your practice, you can begin with some simple exercises!
Rest hands on heart and breathe three times deeply and slowly, silently saying, “My best.”
Think of one good thing to say about your friend in that circumstance; write it down and say it to yourself.
STOP and label “here’s the emotion I feel right now,” no judgments.
Can you consider one thing that you can do for yourself today that is non-obligatory and simply pleasurable, like take a nap, or a walk, or a good meal?
Try to say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
The small exercises can be done anywhere, anytime and may be a good place to begin a more regular self-compassion exercise.
When Self-Compassion Isn’t Enough
Self-compassion is a great tool to help use when things are difficult, but it’s also important to keep in mind its boundaries. Self-compassion may not actually be enough if you are struggling with sadness, anxiety, or you are unable to effectively manage your daily routine.
In such instances, communication with a mental health provider is a positive and crucial action. A therapist can assist you with working through underlying emotional issues, find unique ways of coping, and offer more than what self-help techniques can achieve. Being self-compassionate and asking/accepting others’ help are not mutually exclusive – they actually go together nicely.
Summary
While difficult periods are an inevitable fact of life, that doesn’t mean that you should simply ride it out, as how you decide to address yourself during tough times can form a large part of your overall experience and recovery.
Through self-compassion you can approach suffering with kindness, patience, and understanding rather than judgement and shame, a much more powerful shift from self-criticism.
