Signs of a Toxic Friendship: How to Recognise One, Set Boundaries, and Walk Away With Your Self-Worth Intact
The Confidence Magazine | Relationships & Empowerment
Not all relationships that hurt us look obviously harmful. Some of the most damaging friendships are the ones wrapped in history, in shared humour, in the kind of familiarity that makes you question your own perception. You leave a conversation feeling vaguely smaller than when you arrived, but you’re not quite sure why. You make excuses for behaviour you wouldn’t tolerate from a stranger. You keep showing up, because that’s what loyal people do.
But loyalty without reciprocity isn’t a virtue. It’s a pattern worth examining.
The research is clear: toxic friendships don’t just feel bad in the moment, they cause measurable, lasting harm to our mental health. A 2025 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that being victimised within a friendship is associated with significantly greater symptoms of anxiety and depression, even after accounting for other sources of stress (Dryburgh et al., 2025). And a landmark longitudinal study from the University of Virginia tracked people from age 13 into adulthood, finding that poor-quality friendships in adolescence directly predicted anxiety and depression symptoms decades later (University of Virginia, 2024).
The friendships we stay in and the ones we leave shape us in ways we often don’t realise until much later.
So let’s talk about it. Here are the signs of a toxic friendship that women most commonly overlook, what the research tells us about the damage they do, and how to handle them honestly, gracefully, and without losing yourself in the process.
What Makes a Friendship Toxic?
A toxic friendship is not simply one that goes through a rough patch. All friendships have periods of tension, misalignment, and difficulty. What distinguishes a genuinely toxic dynamic is the pattern consistent, repetitive behaviours that leave you feeling drained, diminished, or destabilised rather than supported and seen.
According to Simply Psychology, research consistently shows that a healthy friendship environment is fundamental to psychological wellbeing which means that a friendship actively undermining that environment isn’t neutral. It is a direct threat to your mental health.
10 Signs You May Be in a Toxic Friendship
1. You Feel Worse After Spending Time With Them
This is the most reliable indicator, and the one most often explained away. You tell yourself you’re tired, or stressed, or being too sensitive. But pay attention to the pattern: do you consistently feel anxious, deflated, or emotionally drained after time with this person? That response is data.
Healthy friendships restore energy. Toxic ones consume it. If you regularly feel lighter when plans are cancelled, that tells you something important.
2. The Support Is Consistently One-Directional
You show up for the crisis calls at midnight, the breakups, the bad days, the celebrations nobody else came to. But when you need support, they are unavailable, distracted, dismissive, or somehow manage to make it about themselves.
Research on friendship quality consistently identifies mutuality, the sense that both people are invested in the other’s wellbeing as a core marker of a healthy relationship. A friendship where support flows only one way is not a friendship in any meaningful sense. It is a dynamic where one person is being used.
3. They Minimise Your Achievements
A good friend is genuinely pleased for you. A toxic one responds to your good news with subtle deflation a comment that reframes your success, a pivot to their own accomplishments, an absence of the warmth you’d show them in the same situation.
This can be so subtle it’s easy to second-guess. “She didn’t mean it like that.” But pay attention to the cumulative effect. If you find yourself filtering what you share choosing not to tell them about the promotion, the relationship, the thing you’re proud of that instinct is telling you something.
4. They Use Your Vulnerabilities Against You
Research from McGill University highlights that one of the particular risks of toxic friendship is that the intimacy of the relationship the personal disclosures, the trust built over time can be weaponised. Private information becomes leverage. Your insecurities become the ammunition in arguments. The things you shared in confidence reappear as criticism (Dryburgh et al., 2025).
This is a serious red flag. Intimacy should increase safety, not vulnerability.
5. There Is Always Drama and You Are Always Involved
Some people are genuinely going through difficult periods. But there is a difference between a friend who is struggling and a friend who is addicted to chaos who generates conflict, who pulls you into situations that are not yours to manage, who seems to thrive on crisis and requires your constant emotional attention.
If your friendship is characterised by relentless drama, and particularly if you frequently find yourself drawn into conflicts that did not begin with you, this is a pattern worth naming.
6. Your Boundaries Are Ignored or Punished
Healthy friendships flex around each other’s limits. A toxic friend either ignores the boundaries you set or responds to them with sulking, guilt-tripping, or hostility. Every attempt to protect your own time, energy, or emotional space is treated as a personal rejection.
As the University of Alberta’s Counselling Services notes: boundaries are not a means of controlling others — they are how you communicate how you wish to be treated. A friend who cannot respect that is telling you, clearly, where their priorities lie.
7. You Feel Anxious Around Them or About Them
Do you rehearse what you’re going to say before seeing them? Do you feel a low-level dread before plans, or find yourself monitoring their mood when you’re together? Anxiety in a friendship particularly the kind that involves walking on eggshells or managing their reactions is a significant warning sign.
Toxic friendships can cause individuals to develop social anxiety that extends beyond that specific relationship, making it harder to trust others and form new connections (MIND 24-7, 2024). The damage, in other words, is not contained to the friendship itself.
8. They Are Critical in Ways That Chip Away at You
There is a difference between a friend who is honest with you because they care and a friend whose feedback consistently diminishes rather than supports. Toxic friends often frame persistent criticism as “just being real” or “saying what no one else will.” Over time, this kind of relentless negativity about your choices, your appearance, your relationships, or your ambitions erodes self-esteem in ways that can be difficult to trace back to their source.
If you find yourself increasingly unsure of your own judgement, less confident than you used to be, or frequently second-guessing yourself it is worth examining who has been in your ear.
9. They Compete With Rather Than Celebrate You
Friendship is not a competition. But some dynamics carry an undercurrent of rivalry that makes genuine joy on another person’s behalf impossible. The compliment that arrives with a barb. The suggestion that your success was luck or circumstance. The way they seem to need to be doing better than you to feel okay.
Competition in friendships is often a reflection of that person’s own insecurity, but that context doesn’t make it less damaging to be on the receiving end of.
10. You Have Lost Yourself in the Friendship
Perhaps the most insidious sign: you have gradually stopped being who you were. You dress differently, talk differently, have dropped interests or other friends, and find that your sense of self has been slowly reshaped around this relationship.
Research into toxic friendship dynamics shows that over time, persistent manipulation and emotional instability can lead to feelings of worthlessness and isolation and that the longer these patterns continue, the more deeply they can affect a person’s sense of identity (JETIR, 2024).
What to Do If You Recognise These Signs
Start by being honest with yourself
Before acting, allow yourself to acknowledge what you already know. Many women stay in toxic friendships longer than they should because the investment has been significant history, shared experiences, the complexity of intertwined social circles. Psychology Today identifies what researchers call investment theory the more you have put into a relationship, the harder it becomes to leave, even when you know it is no longer healthy. Naming this doesn’t make you weak. It makes you honest.
Consider whether the friendship is salvageable
Not every toxic dynamic requires an ending. Sometimes, a direct and honest conversation one that names the pattern without blame, that uses “I” statements and expresses what you need can shift a friendship. People are capable of change, particularly when they are not aware of the impact of their behaviour.
But some friendships cannot be salvaged, and the attempt to have that conversation will make clear which kind you’re dealing with. If boundaries are met with further hostility, if the pattern continues unchanged, if you consistently feel worse despite clear communication — that is your answer.
End it with clarity and self-respect
If leaving is the right decision, do it with care for yourself, not necessarily for them. Rula Health’s therapist-backed guidance recommends being honest and kind: acknowledge what was good in the relationship, be clear about why you are stepping back, and avoid ghosting where possible it tends to leave both parties with unresolved feelings. You do not owe a lengthy explanation. You do owe yourself a clean exit.
As Simply Psychology puts it: “You do not owe them a lengthy explanation. Cut ties in a way that minimises confrontation but prioritises your well-being.”
Seek support
Ending a significant friendship is a genuine loss, and it is normal to grieve it even when you know it was the right decision. Speaking with a therapist can help you process the emotions, understand what kept you in the dynamic, and build the relational skills that make healthier friendships possible. Psychology Today’s therapist finder is a reliable starting point in the UK.
The Bottom Line
You are allowed to want friendships that make you feel good about yourself. You are allowed to outgrow people. You are allowed to choose, at any point, that your emotional energy is worth protecting.
A friendship that consistently diminishes you, isolates you, or makes you smaller is not a friendship. It is a habit and habits can be broken.
The women who build the most fulfilling lives are not the ones who keep every relationship they’ve ever had. They are the ones who become clear about what they deserve and brave enough to hold out for it.
References & Citations
- Dryburgh, N. S. J., Martin-Storey, A., Craig, W., Holfeld, B., & Dirks, M. A. (2025). Quantifying Toxic Friendship: A Preliminary Investigation of a Measure of Victimization in the Friendships of Adolescents. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 40(7–8), 1800–1823. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11874602/
- University of Virginia Allen Lab. (2024). Poor Teen Friendships Predict Adult Anxiety and Depression Symptoms. https://news.virginia.edu/content/poor-teen-friendships-predict-adult-anxiety-and-depression-symptoms
- Kumari, M. & Bhandarkar, K. M. (2024). The Psychological Effects of Toxic Relationships. JETIR, Volume 11, Issue 10. https://www.jetir.org/papers/JETIR2410591.pdf
- MIND 24-7. (2024). How Toxic Friendships Can Affect Youth Mental Health. https://www.mind24-7.com/blog/how-toxic-friendships-can-affect-youth-mental-health/
- Simply Psychology. (2024). Toxic Friendship: How to Deal with Toxic Friends.https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-deal-with-toxic-friends.html
- University of Alberta Counselling Services. (2024). Dear Maddi: How can I tactfully prune “toxic” friendships?https://www.ualberta.ca/en/science/student-services/student-life-engagement/wellness-matters/dear-maddi/2024/march/toxic-friendships.html
- Rula Health. (2026). How to end a friendship the healthy, therapist-backed way.https://www.rula.com/blog/friendship-breakup/
- Psychology Today. (2021). What’s the Best Way to End a Toxic Friendship?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202102/whats-the-best-way-end-toxic-friendship
- Dunbar, R. (2025). Why friendship and loneliness affect our health. PMC / National Library of Medicine. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11918532/
The Confidence Magazine is committed to honest, research-backed content on relationships, wellbeing, and women’s empowerment. Explore more in our Relationships and Empowerment sections.
Please Note: This article is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional psychological or therapeutic advice. If you are experiencing significant distress related to a friendship or any relationship, we encourage you to speak with a qualified mental health professional. In the UK, you can find a therapist via the BACP therapist directory or access free mental health support through Mind and the NHS Every Mind Matters platform.
